Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
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ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
A dead goose is called a ghoost
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!