Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
🔦🌙👣
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.