“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
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The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?