ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
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Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I am also baked goods
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”