You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
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[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My neck, my back, my…
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.