A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
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Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ