(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
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I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
(yawn)
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Merry Christmas
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
me, drunk, into the remote: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.