Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
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1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX