Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
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{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
love pickles so much i put myself in one
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
God, I love Scotland
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”