I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
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Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line