No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
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Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow