The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
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Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.