I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
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Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
What the hell is going on?
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.