Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
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after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Gemma Correll
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work