detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
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me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
You have been warned.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Jogging
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all