Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
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[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.