I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
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In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know