Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
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Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
next question.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
Note to self: always read the final line
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.