Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
You Might Also Like
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Bike is short for Bichael.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”