If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
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I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
He’s cranky this morning
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …