Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
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ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
he’s doing your taxes
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.