I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
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My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I’ve had relationships like this
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Our lord and savoury.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.