I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
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Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.