is there nothing we can trust anymore
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It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.