So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
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I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?