To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
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When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.