Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
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Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.