I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
You Might Also Like
That eye roll….
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong