You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
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Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I feel it
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on