{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
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if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.