Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
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[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.