Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
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90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
When someone says you are so lazy