Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
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I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Life is a suicide mission.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
is this a threat
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.