I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
You Might Also Like
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today