If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
This is a sub tweet
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
and this one
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
smh
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.