I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
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i like to flex on them by shrugging
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum