he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Mhm.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.