Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
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Worst Native American name ever.
This rocks
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body