(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
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Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.