Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
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it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
mathematically impossible
me irl
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Come back with a warrant
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg