“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
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Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
me hitting on a model
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart