got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same