There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
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please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
How can I say no to this ?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Well, shit
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic