‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
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“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”