Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
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I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.