me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
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16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.