I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
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[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins