My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
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*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.