*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
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Why does laundry happen to good people?
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
sliding into dms like
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
My Plans 2020
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.