I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
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If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.